Li Yun's Lessons Learned: Breastfeeding Part 2

8/15/2018

Honor Your Cuarentena and Build Your Support Network (Part 2/3)

Happy National Breastfeeding Awareness Month!

This post is Part 2 in a 3 part series, so be sure to read Part 1 where I discuss why I’m writing these series of posts and where I make my case that: Fed is Best, but Breast is Freaking Awesome, so if Your Goal is EBF, Don’t Give Up Too Soon!

And once you read this post, check out Part 3: Mechanics, Logistics & Resources, Oh My!

Photo of nursing child. Border Text Reads: Early Breastfeeding Lessons Learned. www.liyunalvarado.com

In today's post I’ll discuss honoring your postpartum period and building your team so you are fully supported on the road to achieving your family’s breastfeeding goals.

Once again, I share my experience to help you start thinking about what supports you might want to put in place based on your personality and your specific family’s needs and situation.

I found my breastfeeding friends’ experiences incredibly invaluable when I was struggling, so I wanted to share my experiences and my own research in the hopes that this information might help serve others.

If there is one piece of advice I would give to new Mamis who wish to breastfeed it would be this:

Put together a team of knowledgable and supportive people ASAP, preferably before birth.

More on what that team might look like below.

Happy Breastfeeding to you!

And if it’s not so happy at the moment, hang in there and read this right now: “When Breastfeeding is Hard.”

Disclaimer & Disclosure

Before we jump in, let’s get a few important points out of the way:

DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT a doctor or lactation consultant and this is NOT medical advice. The post below features things I learned from my personal experiences breastfeeding. I hope this post inspires you to find the help you need if you are having a hard time.

DISCLOSURE: Throughout this post, I link to book and product recommendations. I generally recommend products I’ve used myself and loved, but if I haven’t used a product myself, I make a note of that and explain why I’m linking to it. I participate in the Amazon Associates program and other affiliate programs, so if you use my links, I may earn a small commission for qualifying purchases at no cost to you.

Honor Your Cuarentena

My mother planned to stay with us to help out for a week after baby was born. She booked her flight for a few days after my due date and we all crossed our fingers that baby would arrive before or not long after Mami had arrived.

I was a little anxious about Mami’s visit because it was her first visit to California and I worried because I knew we wouldn’t be able to entertain her in the way we would have before baby.

I wanted her to have realistic expectations and I wanted her to honor my need for rest, recovery, and learning our baby.

Many cultures honor the postpartum period more formally than we do in the United States.

In Mexico and parts of Latin America the first 40 days postpartum have a name: Cuarentena.

During that period the new Mami’s relatives—particularly the women—sweep in and take care of the new Mami and of domestic tasks, so that the new Mami only has to focus on nursing and resting.

For my modern day cuarentena, I wanted a support network (all genders included! women are not the only ones who can support a new mother!) to help care for my partner and me, so we could focus on our little one.

Since my Mami was obviously a big part of that support network (since she would be staying with us), I wanted her to be 100% on board.

So I googled a bunch of articles about “Cuarentena” and sent them to her with a warning… “we’re not going to be able to wine and dine you as usual because what I need is for you come here to support me as I figure out this new Mamihood thing, deal?”

My Mami agreed… and then asked… “Can I go to Vegas for a few days?”

Lol.

I love my Mami.

And that was the perfect compromise. She spoiled me for a few days and we arranged for her to be spoiled in Vegas for a few days before returning to spoiling her newest grandbaby before heading back home.

Honor your cuarentena.

Honor your need to rest and your need to let others care for you and your family, so you can best care for your newborn.

And ask the people in your life to honor your needs as well.

They will not automatically know how to best support you if you do not tell them what you most need / want.

That being said, I highly recommend thinking through what your ideal postpartum period might look like, and then communicating those wishes to the ones you love.

Remember, we’re all different. For example, I’m an extrovert, so even though I wanted to rest, I also knew that having some visitors pretty regularly would fill my cup. I just wanted my visitors to not have any expectations that I would be in a position to entertain them. They were there to entertain and support me. Lol.

Finally, after you’ve thought through what you might want, acknowledge that you won’t actually know how you feel and what you want until you’re in it, so be open to changing your mind. Enlist your primary support person(s) (more on them below) to check in regularly in case you need to switch gears.

The "Good Reads" section at the end of this post discuss la cuarentena and other postpartum traditions; use them to inspire your own postpartum planning. You can also share those articles—publicly or with specific family members—to help you communicate your needs and desires.

Build Your Support Team

Breastfeeding is a COMMITMENT!

That’s still true almost almost two years in, but it’s especially true at the beginning when you’re nursing around the clock.

Mama, if at all possible, you should only be in charge of breastfeeding and your personal hygiene / physical recovery in the first month. Nothing else. Seriously.

I don’t think I changed more than a handful of diapers until my husband went back to work (and I was fortunate because he had a very generous paternity leave).

If you have a partner, they should be really busy taking care of BOTH you and baby, so enlist some help from family and friends too if you can (so they can help take care of all three of you).

If you don’t have a partner, try to enlist primary support person(s) to fill that role. Ideally they would live with you for at least a few weeks or months.

Mama will need her Partner or Primary Support Person(s) to:

Emotionally hold it together to ride out the storm that is postpartum. Mama’s gonna need them to stay steady when she’s losing it (and we all lose it at some point in those early days).
Serve Water and Food. Mama will constantly need water — don’t even ask her, just bring her water. Also have snacks and meals ready to keep her fed because the baby’s literally sucking up her food.
Help with baby (obviously): diaper changes, burping, rocking to sleep, swaddling, the occasional (like once a week at the beginning) bath, etc.
Delegate tasks to those who’ve signed up to help
Run interference on those who think they’re helping, but really aren’t (more on that below).

Other Support Person(s) in the Inner Circle Can:

Change diapers, burp the baby, rock the baby to sleep, clean up your space, cook in your space, do laundry, hold the SNS (we wanted to let my Mami feel involved in the BF, so she held my SNS and that was really special), etc…
Talking through any troubles — try to have other Mamas who have breastfed in your support network — it REALLY helped to talk with them when I had plugged ducts, sore nipples, and was unsure if I could go on.

Others Can Help by:

Bringing Food. No one should be allowed over to “see the baby” without bringing food. PERIOD. Have the Partner or Primary Support Person(s) make sure anyone who invites themselves over knows that’s the rule.
Anything from the above list that you feel comfortable with
Keeping visits short
Not coming over if they’re sick or getting sick.
Not coming over if they aren’t up to date on vaccinations

We’re a vaccinating family, so we didn’t let anyone who wasn’t up to date on their vaccines hold the baby until he’d had his first round at around 4 months.

It’s a personal decision on what to require but we preferred being THOSE parents to risking exposure to something nasty.

Vaccination restrictions also can be an easy way to keep the number of visitors down in the first few months too — people don’t want to come over if they can’t hold the baby.

Facebook Group:
Try to find a few good (and at least one local) BF support group on FB before you give birth preferably. You’re looking for one where people give support, help troubleshoot, and commiserate (while avoiding the ones where everyone pontificates and is super judgey). I don’t even post on the Long Beach Breastfeeds, Online Support Facebook group often but reading it has been super helpful and I found info about local BF-support meetings.

Experts & Advocates:
Be sure to have at least one Lactation Consultant you trust on the team (more on that below). And if you can, try to find other breastfeeding mamas you trust to whom you can turn.

Partner / Primary Support Person(s) Run Interference

On Visitors
In general, since you have to nurse and or pump around the clock to get your milk to come in and in some cases to up your supply, keeping visitors (especially the “come to see the baby” vs. “came over to help” kind) to a minimum (or at least restricted to a certain time of day).

I would say being mindful of keeping visits under control in the first two-four weeks is ideal.

It’s not glamorous to pump in front of others and when you’re still learning to nurse an audience can be stressful (unless they’re also BFing mamas or LCs who can help).

I know it’s not realistic for all families to keep people away from the new baby, but it’s something to keep in mind before you have the baby, so you can set some expectations early.

Interference
My mother didn’t breastfeed me and I only vaguely remember her using a hand pump for my brother (no extended breastfeeding there either). My MIL didn’t breastfeed my husband. So both grandmothers wanted to be helpful, but they had little to contribute in this arena.

We were lucky our moms just kind of watched in awe and helped in other ways. That is an ideal situation because they can be supportive in other ways (changing the baby, burping the baby, cooking, cleaning, etc.).

I have another friend whose mom wasn’t helpful and it was pretty stressful for her.

Sadly, sometimes well-meaning folks who are around become unhelpful (“Just give that baby a bottle!” “Put that baby down!” “He can’t be hungry again already!”).

This is where Partner/PSP comes in:

“Thanks so much for your advice — I know you want to help us do what’s best for baby.

We’ve talked to our doctor / lactation consultant and we’re going to go with a different plan right now, but we’re making sure baby eats.

You know what would be really helpful? If you cooked / burped baby / changed a diaper / rocked baby to sleep / swept / did laundry / ran to the store real quick, so Mama can nurse / pump / nap / eat / shower, etc.”

If the overbearing person is tasked with something useful it’s harder for them to get in your way as you figure out nursing. And they feel useful which is what they want anyway. Win. Win. Win.

A Tale of Three Lactation Consultants
aka Not All LCs are Created Equal

My Advice: Have 2-3 highly recommended private Lactation Consultant’s phone numbers handy.

The LCs at your hospital or doctor’s offices might be great and help you enough that you won’t need a private LC, but trust me having a number BEFORE you need it will be so helpful.

Find someone who comes well recommended. If you get a doula (and if you can, you should! best birthing support ever!), she’ll probably know someone and those FB groups are another great place to find someone.

I met with three separate LCs.

Lactation Consultant Number One: The Hospital

The one at the hospital was terrible.

She came during a time that was meant to be resting time and found the baby asleep. She didn’t have me wake him which I thought at the time was no big deal but in retrospect was dumb — she never saw him latch on, so how could she help US figure it out?

She used a doll, discouraged a football latch (which was actually better for the shape of my breasts, but she wasn’t really looking at ME carefully). And she gave us a hard time about wanting to be discharged. She would have preferred to come by again to see us the next day, but we had been there 3 nights already (I had a long, but mostly uncomplicated, labor), and we were eager to be home.

She gave me some tips, but didn’t really help in any kind of long lasting way. You might get lucky, but the hospital lactation consultants will usually stop by just briefly and can be really hit or miss.

Lactation Consultant Number Two: The Medical Office

The second LC was the one at our medical facility.

We went to see her a few days after birth when our baby hadn’t regained his birth weight.

She was more helpful. She caught baby’s jaundice and helped us get a rental of the blue lights, so we could treat him at home (not re-admit him to the hospital).

She also arranged for a medical grade pump rental, gave me a pumping schedule, gave us direction on supplementation (a few oz of breastmilk or formula fed to baby by syringe or cup at every feed), and suggested I take fenugreek pills to help increase my supply.

That being said she was much more concerned with baby gaining weight than with working with us to establish the kind of BF relationship we wanted.

Baby gaining weight and my upping my supply were really important and she did help us with that, so she was a lot more valuable than the first LC.

She was also great at getting our baby to latch deeply in the office, but was no help in showing ME how to do it — I could never quite get him to latch deeply enough on my own.

She was not a good teacher.

I think of her as the assembly line LC: here’s the spiel I give to everyone and if it works for you, great! If not, well I’ve done what I can and you can just switch to formula.

Another example: my husband and I asked her if an SNS was an option and could be helpful for us; she had never offered it herself.

When we asked, she said, “oh, sure, here’s one for you to try.”

I also had to ask her why it might be helpful instead of her offering up that information herself. Once I asked she did explain that the flow of milk from the sns might get him sucking better while on the breast which will make my supply grow and make him transfer my milk faster which will make him suck more and around and around.

I shouldn’t have had to ask her that — she should have explained that as a benefit.

So yeah, she was useful (she gave us lots of things), but not all that helpful if that makes sense.

Lactation Consultant Number Three: The Private LC, Bethany Ewers

If I could do it all over again, I would have had private LC Bethany Ewers lined up before I went into labor and would have had her come over the minute I felt like things weren’t going quite right.

Luckily, my doula (get a doula if you can!) recommended Bethany. By week 2, when I still felt unsure and worried even after multiple visits to the LC at my medical facility, I called Bethany and asked if she could come over.

She came to our house the same night I contacted her and she charged us $60 for the hour.

BEST $60 WE SPENT.

She gave me specific tips on what hold to use based on the shape of MY breasts (football hold - surprise surprise).

She noticed that I had flat nipples (something the other two LCs didn’t mention) and she showed me a little thing called a “latch assist” which pulls them out.

I have another friend who had NO problems in this department because her nipples popped right out. Like I said everyone’s boobs are different and those differences will make each BFing relationship unique.

I purchased a latch assist immediately and it made getting him to latch SO MUCH EASIER. He eventually learned how to latch deeply on his own and I was able to stop using the latch assist.

Finally, she said this simple thing that no one else bothered to tell me:

“Since he’s not transferring very much per feeding yet, you should just feed him more often, so he gets what he needs until he gets better at eating.”

Boom. Mind blown.

So simple, yet NO ONE HAD MENTIONED THAT OPTION!

I was here doing every 3-4 hours when what he needed was every 2 hours until we figured it out.

Yes it sucked having to feed every 2 hours, but you know what sucked even more? Feeling like I wasn’t feeding my baby and like I was failing at life.

(Don’t worry, baby learns, gets more efficient, and doesn’t have to feed that regularly forever).

Bethany completely cheered me on, gave me practical advice and tools, took a video so I could see what a good latch looked like for him, told me to call her the next day, and invited me to a support group she led later that week.

She basically made me feel like I was doing a great job, like it was going to be ok, and like I would eventually get the hang of this thing. She changed everything and I’m only mad I waited 14 days to call her and ask for her help.

The main thing that was great about a private LC is that we were a specific family, and baby and I were a specific Breastfeeding pair/dyad to her. We were not just one in the assembly line of patients she saw all day like at the docs office.

She really took her time to check baby for a tongue tie, to look at how I latched him, to ask about what was challenging, to ask what I had tried, and then to give suggestions based on the whole picture not just a standard list of pumping strategies to build my supply (though she was very knowledgable about pumping too).

Not all LCs are created equal, so if you don’t like what you’re getting from one find another ASAP!

Recap

Once again, Happy National Breastfeeding Awareness Month!

I hope you have found this second post in my three part series useful.

To recap:

Honor Your Cuarentena & Ask Others To Do the Same
The postpartum period can be an intense and transformative time of recovery and learning. Honor that as the sacred time it is, and make sure your loved ones are on board to honor it in ways that are most helpful to you and your family.

Build Your Supportive and Knowledgable Team
& Make Sure Everyone Brings Food!
“It Takes a Village” isn’t a cliche for nothing. All new parents need support—breastfeeding Mamas need knowledgeable support. And food. And water. Lots and lots of water.

BOOKS:

The Nursing Mother’s Companion
by Kathleen Huggins

ORDER THIS BOOK RIGHT NOW!
You’ll want The Nursing Mother’s Companion by your nightstand to help you troubleshoot those first few days and beyond. Reading parts of it beforehand will also give you some good info — but if you don’t get around to that at least you’ll have it once you need it.

I highly recommend this book to all mothers who want to nurse because it includes quick troubleshooting guides. Instead of having to search through a whole book when I was having trouble, I was able to look up my specific problem and quickly read through the straightforward troubleshooting guide that gave me specific actionable steps that I could implement immediately.

The Fourth Trimester
by Kimberly Ann Johnson

I have yet to read this book, but I’ve heard such good things about it that I wanted to share it here in case any of you are coming up on your fourth trimester and wanted an in depth look at the postpartum period.

I can’t vouch for it myself (yet!), but if you read it and find it useful, please let me know. (I’ll be sure to update this post once I have had a chance to read it myself)

Before You Go...

ARTICLES:
Share the articles below—publicly or with specific family members—to help you communicate your needs and desires for your own cuarentena.